Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Let me be clear: there are those who say that we should infect monkeys with bubonic plague and then release said monkeys into every major city, strip-mall, airport, intersection, school, hospital and day-care center in America, but, with all due deference to my opponents, I respectfully disagree.

I believe that we must seize this opportunity. Nobody said it would be easy. Everyone is entitled to his opinion; democracy is messy. But while some may disagree, the one thing we can all agree upon is that my proposal for dealing with plague-infected monkeys is the only possible solution.

Anyone who disagrees with me simply wants to see your children bitten by bubonic plague-infected monkeys.

That is why tonight, I am proposing the formation of a bi-partisan commission to study the effects of plague monkeys upon our economy. This commission will be empowered to make valid and workable recommendations for dealing with plague--infected-monkey caused disasters to a new plague-infected-monkey-caused-disaster-contingency-operation task force which I have created—by executive order--under the wise and battle-tested guidance of Janet Napolitano.

Let me be clear: there are those who say that other people say things that they never actually say in order to create a weak straw-man argument, but I say that we must transcend partisan bickering and finger-pointing. Partisan bickering, finger-pointing: these are exactly the sort of things that Republicans do—exactly the sort of things that they did for eight years—exactly what got us into this mess in the first place.

But simply saying “no” to plague monkeys is not leadership. No, only by uniting behind my proposal can we hope to dig ourselves out of the hole created by the sorts of people who spend other people’s money, engage in empty rhetorical flourishes, resort to ad hominem attacks, and seek to deny plague monkeys their constitutional rights.

Let me be clear, other than the plague-infected monkeys, the state of the union is strong.